Tantrum or meltdown? The one question to ask first

You’ve probably been told, “Don’t give in, or you’ll reinforce it.”

But what if it was never a tantrum?

I’ve watched this moment more times than I could count in our learning environment here in Nashville. So today, I want to give you one question. Just one. And once you see it, you cannot unsee it.

First things first: one question

Before you hold the line, before you give in, before you leave the cart in the middle of the store, ask yourself this:

Is this a choice, or is my child out of capacity?

That’s it. One question.

If you listened to Episode 2, you heard me say that compliance is about capacity. Today is the other side of that idea.

Episode 2What if it’s not defiance? Compliance is about capacity

A tantrum has a goal. A meltdown has a limit.

Here’s what I mean by capacity. What you’re calling a meltdown might be your child’s brain and body hitting their limit.

Not a decision. A limit.

Behavior is always communication. And a meltdown is communicating one thing: I have nothing left.

A tantrum has a goal. A meltdown has a limit. That’s the difference.

The Target aisle

I know you know this moment.

So, was that a choice? Or was your child out of capacity?

“Don’t give in or you’ll reinforce it”

A lot of you have been handed this sentence, usually by somebody who loves you. Your grandmother. Your sister. Your cousin. Your friend.

That advice assumes the hard moment was a choice.

And if it was a choice, okay. But if your child was out of capacity, there was nothing to reinforce. There was a child who had nothing left, and a parent who read the moment correctly.

So if you’ve been carrying guilt about “giving in,” I want you to put it down.

You weren’t giving in. You were reading the moment.

You did what you thought was right based on the situation, and you’d probably still go to bat for it. It’s time to set down the weight of someone else’s opinion.

What changes when you see capacity

If you were sitting next to me at my table, here’s what I would tell you. When you start seeing hard moments as capacity, two things change.

1. You stop blaming yourself. Hallelujah for that. As parents, we’re already carrying so much because we love these babies and we want to help them grow.
2. You stop reacting and start responding. Easier said than done, I know. But it changes things.

A band-aid or the right lens?

A band-aid can cover a moment. And sometimes a band-aid is the best way forward, the right tool for a little thing.

But you don’t put a band-aid on a big cut. When it’s more than a band-aid kind of moment, you need the right lens to see what’s actually happening.

That’s exactly where we start in the Hard Moments, Clear Answers workshop. When you put on the hard moment glasses, you start to see clear answers. And the workshop is where we work on what to do next.

Hard moments are information, not failure.

Your homework: ask the question

The next time your child has a hard moment, pause before you do anything else and ask:

Choice or capacity?

Then, once the moment has passed, give yourself space to process it. Home Base is a great place to do that. It helps you answer the question, “What exactly do I do right now?” and you can use it to reflect after the hard moment, too.

You don’t have to get it right every time. You just have to start seeing it.

Come on home

You are not doing this alone.

Hit play on Episode 4 of the Connect and Curate Podcast and pull up a seat on my couch. New episodes drop every Friday on YouTube and wherever you listen. And when things fall apart, come on home.

Download Home Base, my free app, below.

Home Base

What exactly do I do right now? When it gets hard, come on home. A free app from Illuminate Academy for parents finding their footing.

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Cheering on your best week!Jacquelene