What if it’s not defiance? Rethinking your child’s hard moments

I get you. You’ve asked nicely. You’ve explained it. You’ve probably asked more than once. And somehow, you’re still in the middle of a hard moment.

But what if we looked at it differently?

After 21 years of helping neurodivergent children navigate hard moments, being a mama of five, and running a school for autistic children for 13 years, there’s something I want you to know.

What looks like defiance might not actually be defiance.

Let’s put on a new pair of glasses and look at those hard moments a little differently.

First things first: compliance is about capacity

When your child doesn’t do what you’ve asked, it’s easy to see it as disobedience or disrespect.

But before we decide what the behavior means, I want you to pause and look at the state your child is in.

Where are they? What are they doing? What’s been asked of them? And what might have happened earlier in the day?

Sometimes, the hard moment you’re seeing right now is the receipt for something that happened earlier. It could be something from this morning, yesterday, or something that’s been building over time.

Here’s what matters most: compliance is about capacity.

Remember the House of Growth? Growth has an order.

Episode 1Meet the House of Growth: my child just got diagnosed. What do I do now?

The house of growth

1. The foundation is felt safety. Your child needs to feel safe.
2. The first floor is regulation. They need to be regulated and available for the world around them.
3. The second floor is communication. They need a way to communicate with the world in a meaningful way.
4. The third floor is skills. These are the important skills we need to continue to grow and show up as our best selves.

If your child isn’t doing what you’ve asked, I want you to consider their capacity in that moment. Can they navigate what’s being asked of them right now?

Let me tell you a story

It wasn’t a compliance issue. It was a capacity issue.

And that shift changed everything.

Defiance is dysregulation

Now, what about those moments when your child is yelling at you, saying no, and refusing everything you ask?

What if, instead of thinking defiance, we thought dysregulation?

When a person is dysregulated, they’re not as available to connect, learn, and grow. And if we want to help them through that moment, we need to start where they are.

First, notice your own state. Are you regulated enough to help your child regulate?

Then, notice where your child is.

Walk across the bridge

Imagine you and your child are standing on opposite sides of a bridge. You’re on one side, ready to move forward, and your child is on the other side, struggling with what’s happening.

You can’t expect them to get across the bridge simply because you’ve told them to.

You have to walk across to where they are.

You acknowledge that it’s hard. You let them know you’re there. You hold their hand, connect with them, and help them take the next step.

One foot in front of the other.

This is co-regulation. This is connection.

And hear me on this: starting where your child is doesn’t mean giving up on growth. It means helping them get to the place where growth can happen.

I spent the first nine years of my career approaching hard moments differently. And now, in year 21, I see the difference in the students, families, and clients I serve.

The approach I believe in is kind, effective, neuroaffirming, and dignified. It’s not about putting a bandage on the hard moment. It’s about finding solutions grounded in principles that help people grow.

Connection fuels growth.

Shutdown is sensory overwhelm

Let’s talk about shutdown.

Sometimes, your child becomes quiet and still. They seem distant, almost like they’re not with you anymore.

You might wonder if they’re listening, if they’re paying attention, or if they’re choosing not to respond.

I want you to consider something else: sensory overwhelm.

Remember the foundation of our House of Growth? Felt safety comes first.

When your child is experiencing sensory overwhelm, start there. Ask yourself what you can change to help their sensory system feel safer in that moment.

Can you lower your voice? Change the volume around them? Adjust something in the environment?

Think about what they’re seeing, hearing, smelling, and feeling.

Let me give you an example.

Imagine you’re sitting on the couch, crying through a really hard moment. Someone you love comes over, brings you a warm, cozy blanket and a cup of tea, and simply sits with you.

They don’t demand that you pull yourself together. They meet you where you are.

Powerful, right?

That’s the kind of connection we’re talking about. Sometimes, the first thing a person needs isn’t another instruction. It’s support that helps them feel safe enough to move forward.

So when your child shuts down, come back to the foundation. Start with felt safety. Notice what might be overwhelming them, and consider what you can change to help.

Growth starts where you are

Here’s another way to think about it.

Imagine you hire a personal trainer because you want to get stronger. You’re ready to work, and you’re excited to grow.

Then, on your very first day, your trainer tells you to run three miles.

There’s just one problem: you’re not a runner.

You hired this person to help you grow, but they’re measuring your ability based on something that doesn’t match where you are right now.

I’m a Pilates girl who wants to build muscle and get stronger. I want to be able to carry the Costco order into the house without struggling! I’ve got five kids, a school, and a big mission to build more kindness in the world.

I want to grow, but growth needs to start where I am.

The same is true for your child.

If we only measure them by whether they can comply, stay regulated, or do something independently right now, we may miss what they actually need to move forward.

Growth isn’t about expecting someone to be ready for everything immediately.

It’s about understanding their starting point and helping them take the next step.

I know. We want to go bigger. We want to see progress. We want things to get easier.

But the way forward is one step at a time.

One little piece at a time. One foot in front of the other.

Your homework: notice

This week, I want you to practice one thing.

Notice.

Notice your child’s state. Notice what’s happening around them. Notice what you’ve asked them to do and what might have happened before the hard moment began.

And don’t forget to notice yourself, too.

Where are you? What is your capacity in that moment?

Sometimes, we’re so focused on getting our children to do what we need them to do that we forget to look at what’s actually happening.

But when we slow down and notice, we can begin to see the hard moment differently.

Think about the first time someone noticed your new haircut. Or complimented your outfit. Remember how it felt?

Being noticed matters.

When you start noticing your child, you’re learning to see them more clearly. You’re putting on a new pair of glasses and seeing what might have been right in front of you all along.

So, the next time your child has a hard moment, remember:

• Compliance is about capacity. Look at what your child can manage in that moment.
• Defiance is dysregulation. Notice their state, regulate yourself, and connect with them.
• Shutdown is sensory overwhelm. Return to felt safety and consider what their sensory system needs.

You don’t have to solve everything all at once.

Pause. Notice. Start where they are.

And remember, connection fuels growth.

Come on home

You are not doing this alone.

Hit play on Episode 2 of the Connect and Curate Podcast and pull up a seat on my couch. And when it gets hard, come on home.

Download Home Base, my free app, below.

Home Base

When it gets hard, come on home. A free app from Illuminate Academy for parents finding their footing.

Get Home Base free

Cheering on your best week!Jacquelene