Go on a date. Have a girls’ night. Take an afternoon to yourself. Whatever it is you need, I want you to picture walking out that door knowing your child is going to be okay.
How does that feel?
If your first thought is, “Jacquelene, that sounds great, but it’s just not possible,” stay with me. We’re going to get there.
After more than 20 years of serving families, working with therapists, and consulting in schools, there’s something I’ve learned that I want to share with you.
What you believe can change your life.
And sometimes, making date night happen starts with changing what you believe is possible.
First things first: you need to fill your cup
I want you to have a meaningful life, too.
I want you to be able to go out with your partner, spend time with your friends, or simply have a moment to yourself without feeling like everything will fall apart the second you leave.
But I know what you might be thinking.
What if my child has a meltdown? What if the babysitter calls ten minutes after I leave? What if the person watching my child doesn’t know what to do?
Those are real concerns. And while a meltdown can happen, I want you to look at it through a different lens.
A meltdown can be a sign of a dysregulated nervous system. When our nervous systems reach their capacity, we can struggle to navigate what’s happening around us. Without the skills, strategies, or support to work through those moments, we can remain in a state of dysregulation.
So instead of believing that a hard moment automatically means your night out can’t happen, let’s think about what your child needs to be supported through it.
You deserve to fill your cup. And making that possible starts with understanding your child and helping the people who care for them understand your child, too.
Growth has an order
If you’ve been hanging out with me for a while, you’ve heard me talk about the House of Growth.
And if you’re new here, let me walk you through it!
Growth has an order. It starts with felt safety, just like a house needs a solid foundation.
From there, we build the first floor: regulation. This is where we’re ready and available for whatever the world brings us.
Next comes communication, our ability to communicate with the world in a way it can understand.
Then we build skills. Those skills help us grow, become more capable, enjoy more things, and participate more independently in the world.
Skills matter. But they cannot be the priority when the foundation isn’t there.
If your child is dysregulated or struggling to navigate communication, it’s going to be much harder for them to access the skills we want them to use.
And this matters when you’re planning a night out, too.
The goal isn’t to expect your child to be perfectly regulated or to prevent every hard moment. The goal is to understand what helps your child feel safe, regulated, and ready to navigate the world, and to share that knowledge with the person caring for them.
You are your child’s expert.
Even if someone has worked with your child for years, you bring something incredibly important to the table. You know your child. You know what lights them up, what makes things harder, and what has helped them through difficult moments.
Let’s use that knowledge to help you get out the door.
What to tell the person caring for your child
I don’t have a magic wand for you today. But I do have three practical things I want you to think through before your next date night, girls’ night, or much-needed moment to yourself.
And here’s the good news: you already know more than you think.
1. What does your child look like on their best day?
Think about your child when they’re happy, joyful, engaged, and feeling their best.
What’s happening around them?
Think about their environment. What are they wearing? What have they eaten? Who are they around? What setting are they in?
What seems to help them feel regulated and available for the world around them?
Maybe there are certain conditions that consistently help your child have a good day. Maybe you’ve noticed that certain environments or familiar routines make things easier.
Your job is to notice those patterns.
You’re the person who spends the most time with your child, and you have valuable information about what helps them succeed.
When you’re preparing someone else to care for your child, share what you know. Help them understand what a good day looks like for your little one and what might help create those conditions.
2. What happens during your child’s hardest moments?
I know this isn’t always the easiest thing to think about. But if we want to help our children navigate hard moments, we need to understand what those moments look like.
What’s happening in the environment when things get difficult?
What have they eaten or not eaten? What have they had to drink? Is something they love available, or is it missing? Is a sibling around, or has someone left? Has something about their routine or environment changed?
Think about what you know can make a situation harder for your child.
In my own family, I’ve started noticing patterns between nutrition and behavior, particularly when it comes to protein. That awareness helps me think differently about what my children might need and how I can set them up for success.
The point isn’t to predict every single hard moment. We can’t control everything that happens.
The point is to notice what tends to make things harder, so you can help the person caring for your child understand what to look for.
When you know what can contribute to a difficult moment, you have more information to work with.
3. What has helped before?
This one is important.
You and I are going to have hard moments. Our children are going to have hard moments. There is no magical age or perfect amount of preparation that means hard moments disappear forever.
We can get better at navigating the hard. We cannot control all of it.
So, when a hard moment happens, what has helped your child before?
What strategies have made a difference? What has helped them work through something difficult in the past?
Here’s a principle I want you to remember: what has worked before will likely work again.
I recently spoke with a mom in our Connected Collective who was navigating a difficult situation in the car with her child. As she worked through what might help, she remembered that a social story had worked before. She decided to try it again, and it helped.
That’s the power of noticing what works and using that knowledge to navigate the next hard moment.
As you prepare for your time away, think through what has helped your child in the past. Share those strategies with the person caring for them so they have something to turn to if things get difficult.
You don’t need a magic wand. You need to know your child, understand what helps, and give the people supporting them the information they need.
Connection is knowing your person
Let’s bring these three things together.
Connection is knowing someone and starting where they are.
That means knowing what lights them up, what they’re enthusiastic about, and what makes them feel good. It also means knowing what is hard for them.
Think about your best friend. If you were having a hard day and they wanted to bring you something comforting, they would need to know what you like.
If they brought you something you didn’t enjoy, their intentions might be wonderful, but it wouldn’t necessarily help you feel cared for.
But when someone really knows you, they can meet you where you are.
The same is true for your child.
When you notice what helps them feel their best, what makes things difficult, and what has helped them through hard moments before, you can share that knowledge with the people who care for them.
That’s how we help someone else connect with your child in a meaningful way.
And that’s how you begin to make it possible to step away, knowing you’ve helped prepare the people who will be there for your little one.
You cannot pour from an empty cup
I know you’ve heard that phrase before. But I want you to think about it in a different way.
Your child cannot grow a house bigger than yours.
If you’re constantly dysregulated, struggling to find your footing, or feeling like you never have a moment to yourself, it’s going to be harder to show up as the regulated, present, available parent you want to be.
You need time, too.
You need moments when you can reconnect with your partner, laugh with your friends, or simply take a breath without being responsible for everyone else.
And making space for those moments isn’t separate from helping your child grow. It’s part of helping you show up for them.
I want you to be present, ready, and available for your child. I want you to be the parent, therapist, helper, or caregiver you want to be, even when hard moments happen.
That starts with making sure you have the support and space you need, too.
So let’s stop treating your time away as something that can only happen when everything is perfect. Let’s start by understanding your child, sharing what you know, and preparing for the hard moments that might happen along the way.
You can do this one step at a time.
Your homework: start noticing
This week, I want you to think through three things:
- On your child’s best day, what’s present? Notice the people, environment, routines, and conditions that help them feel their best.
- During their hardest moments, what’s happening? Notice the patterns, circumstances, and things that might make the moment more difficult.
- What has helped before? Think about the strategies and supports that have helped your child navigate hard moments in the past.
You don’t have to figure everything out today.
Start by noticing. Then use what you learn to help the people caring for your child connect with them, support them, and start where they are.
And remember, you are your child’s expert. You already have valuable knowledge that can help make these moments more successful.
You deserve to fill your cup. Your child deserves the support they need. And with preparation, connection, and a little practice, you can work toward making both possible.
Come on home
You are not doing this alone.
Hit play on Episode 3 of the Connect and Curate Podcast and pull up a seat on my couch. And when it gets hard, come on home.
Download Home Base, my free app, below.
Home Base
When it gets hard, come on home. A free app from Illuminate Academy for parents finding their footing.
Get Home Base freeCheering on your best week!Jacquelene
