Jacquelene Nigrelli (00:02)
720 AM. We need to leave in five minutes. And he only has socks on. I've got my work bag, my purse, my bottle water, and a child who will not put their shoes on. Tell me if you have been in that situation before.
Jacquelene Nigrelli (00:23)
I'm Jacqueline Nigrelli, I'm the host of Connect and Curate podcast, and I'm also the founder of Illuminate Academy, an in-person learning academy in Nashville, Tennessee. And we help kids grow. And do you know what the secret is to helping people grow? Helping them go through the hard moments. Because it is easy to help people grow in good.
Jacquelene Nigrelli (00:49)
Have you ever tried to grow a plant in ideal conditions? Yeah, no problems there. But pivot to trying to grow something in less than ideal, rocky conditions without the right rain and sun, and you just don't get the outcome you're hoping for without pivoting. Today, what I want to talk to you about is that 7:20 a.m. morning when you are ready to go, but your child.
Jacquelene Nigrelli (01:19)
Is not. So what do we do? One thing you can expect from me to always try to do is to teach you things based on principles. Because a tactic is a one-time tip that can work for usually one thing. But a principle, it's proven in a court of law, it agrees with nature. It's kind of a universal truth. And we can agree again and again and again on the truth and the fruit that it bears.
Jacquelene Nigrelli (01:48)
And our principle today is regulation before expectation. That we are regulated before we expect things to happen. Now, I can bet that you like me have had a morning or a moment when you were ready to rock and roll and somebody else in your life was not.
Jacquelene Nigrelli (02:13)
And if the reason they were not ready is because they were not regulated, then this episode is for you. So it's 720. He doesn't want to put his shoes on. And I am like telling you, I've got the bag like on my shoulders. The work bag, the purse, the Stanley, the keys. I'm ready to walk out that door and go to where we need to go today. And he is like, no. And I could do option A.
Jacquelene Nigrelli (02:43)
Where I say, put on your shoes. And I try saying it again, maybe a different way. Hey, sweetie, please put on your shoes. Or I could try to maybe get on his level and say, It's time to put on your shoes. I could say it louder, put on your shoes. Maybe he's just not hearing me. Maybe he's not seeing me. So I get on his level, or I say it louder.
Jacquelene Nigrelli (03:11)
What's happening here is the definition of insanity. We are doing the same thing again and again, just hoping for a different result. Regulation before expectation actually tells me to do something different.
Jacquelene Nigrelli (03:28)
Number one, am I regulated in this moment? No. I'm frustrated, I'm feeling overwhelmed, and frankly, I'm feeling surprised. Why can we wear the shoes every other day, but not today when mommy has a meeting and needs to be on time? So I'm feeling a lot of things. So number one, am I regulated? No. Me doing the same thing over and over again is not producing a different result. Why? Well, to be regulated means that you are available. If
Jacquelene Nigrelli (03:57)
That person's not available and able to complete the task I've asked them to do, then just saying the same thing to complete the task I want them to do again and again, albeit different ways, does not equal the outcome that we want. Agree? So what I need to do is option B, where I one notice where I'm at and if I'm regulated or not.
Jacquelene Nigrelli (04:20)
And I just think and I slow down and I pause and I say, okay, what on God's green earth is happening right now? Why are we not able to put our shoes on today? And I'm like, first of all, take a breath, think about this. Is there anything different? Is anything changed? Is anything going on? And I just quickly spend about five to ten seconds scanning the tabs open in my brain for that child about what could be going on. I simply know.
Jacquelene Nigrelli (04:51)
Myself, them and the environment. I notice myself, how I'm feeling. I get myself to a place of regulation, then I start noticing things that I need to note about them and what's going on and the environment. Is there anything different? Is something happening? Have I missed something? So that I can be more aware. And then instead of just expecting regulation with all my bags in my hand by saying it a different way.
Jacquelene Nigrelli (05:17)
I notice that this moment needs me in my best. Because the best chance of my child being regulated in their hardest moment is a regulated me. So the work bag comes off, my purse comes off, I set my water bottle down, I take the keys in my purse, and I get down in this level, and I'm like, hey, I can see you don't want to put your shoes on. I can help you put your shoes on.
Jacquelene Nigrelli (05:44)
Or we can talk about a different option. I'm here for you. Let's do A or B. What do you want? What sounds good, right? Not vomit overload with my words, but offering one of those things. And ideally, your child tells you, okay, this is what I want, this is what's happening, this is why.
Jacquelene Nigrelli (06:08)
But in the moment, just standing up from where I was with all of my things does not show a regulated and present me to then step in and help a dysregulated child. Here's what we know about science. Here's what we know about nervous systems.
Jacquelene Nigrelli (06:23)
Their nervous system needs my nervous system right now. They do not have the capacity to complete this skill. They're looking to borrow from someone. And so if I am maxed on my capacity to offer something, it's going to be insanely difficult to see them rise up. When you think about a car battery, you cannot charge a dead car battery with another dead car battery.
Jacquelene Nigrelli (06:53)
Right? It's not going to work. It's not going to happen. You can't borrow soil from a dead plant or it and hopes that it's going to magically do something over here for this plant. It doesn't work to pour from an empty cup. So I have to first notice where I'm at.
Jacquelene Nigrelli (07:14)
To offer a direct correlation of support and borrowed nervous system to help them regulate. And what that's going to practically look like is putting my things down, ensuring that I am, in fact, more regulated, and then acknowledging what they're feeling and pivoting to different options. Now, the hardest thing in this situation is going to be noticing yourself. It is going to be choosing.
Jacquelene Nigrelli (07:43)
To say, okay, this is not a big deal. It's going to be noticing how I'm responding. And the number one pattern interrupter in our life as parents.
Jacquelene Nigrelli (07:54)
is our children and what are they doing? They are just offering interruptions. That feels like a big deal because we had a plan, we had a place, we had a process for what we need to accomplish. And when they come interrupting our day, it feels really difficult to just snap back into it. But here's what we need to know is that we want to bring children into the world that are regulated and ready to do life, to connect, learn and grow.
Jacquelene Nigrelli (08:23)
And to do that means they have to be regulated. And to get regulated means they have to have people in their life that help them mutually regulate. And unfortunately, more is caught than taught. So while we can model and say, count a three, take a breath, squeeze my hands, we also need to be willing to show up and breathe and count a three and take a deep breath before we go to make that moment.
Jacquelene Nigrelli (08:53)
Count where they are unavailable and they are disregulated and they will simply not put on their shoes. Regulation before expectation. And if you're thinking, you know what? I think I've done this kind of thing before. Great, you are already ahead of the game. Do you know the difference? And becoming consistent in the game is getting the reps in.
Jacquelene Nigrelli (09:18)
And if that's you, then I would love to talk to you about joining the Connected Collective, where we practice this on a weekly basis, upping our noticing game and leaning into how to be more present and available parents so that when the hard moments happen with our children and all those around us, we are ready to pivot into who we need to be and who they need us to be. So we conquer the hard moment and walk across it like it's just a cute little backyard bridge.
Jacquelene Nigrelli (09:47)
And if this is new to you and you're like, I want to see things a different way, I want to know how to see what's going on so I know what to do. And I'd love to invite you to join the Hard Moments Clear Answers Workshop. There's one coming up. Check the link below. And come join me for one hour. We will talk about how behavior is a receipt.
Jacquelene Nigrelli (10:12)
The issues that we face are physics problems, not willpower. And that the secret to overcoming it all is building the muscle to be present and aware. It's the power of noticing. And I'd love to see you there. Subscribe, follow, and share with somebody you care. Thanks. Bye.
